肯定句的教養力量

【採訪撰文／陳姵樺；編輯整理／江睿毓；諮詢／輔仁大學兒童與家庭學系副教授、輔幼中心主任涂妙如；圖片／育兒生活圖庫】

從真實故事來省思
嚴格的老鷹爸爸


這裡要先說一個真實的故事，故事的主角暱稱為老鷹爸爸，是位成功大學航太所的教授，他對孩子的期望很高，所以從小對孩子的教育方式非常嚴格，經常用非常負向的語句對孩子說話，像是考這種成績你去賣口香糖好了，或是我一輩子的名次加起來都沒你一次多。從這些話可以想見一個父親對兒子有多高的期望，但孩子的心靈受傷了父親並沒有感受到，當孩子長大了在數年前出國留學後，突然發了一封電子郵件給父親，表示他決定等十年有成後再回家，這段期間要與家裡斷絕音訊，從此音訊全無，這時候老鷹爸爸才驚覺自己對兒子過度嚴格，也說了太多負面的語言，現在處於深感後悔的狀態，表示若時間再重來一次，他不會再用這種方式對待兒子了，並出了一本書《孩子謝謝你─ 一個父親的懺悔》向兒子道歉。
負向語句傷害大
輔仁大學兒童與家庭學系副教授、輔幼中心主任涂妙如表示，上述老鷹爸爸的故事就是一個負向語句教養方式的真實案例，父親說的負向語句，句句都像是一把刀插在孩子的心坎上，依照幼教的觀點來看，當家長說了一句負向的語句，大約需要說十句以上的正向語句才能稍微彌補孩子受傷的心靈，所以不要忽略負向語句對孩子心靈的影響，尤其個性較敏感的孩子，負向語句的傷害性是很強的。
洪蘭教授也曾經在文章中提到，心靈上不自由的感覺可以影響神經元的發育，很多大人每天跟孩子說話，開口閉口都是「不准…」時，恐怕也會有同樣的後果；大人多認為自己是為了孩子好，才要花力氣去管教他，但是不當的管教，如威脅孩子「不聽我的話，我就不愛你」，反效果更大。
觀念引導行為，行為改變大腦
陽明大學神經科學研究所教授洪蘭寫過一篇名為《管教多點愛，大腦不受傷》的文章，文中提到：如果從小遭受不當的對待，大腦神經元的發育會受到影響，造成人格和心智的損傷。「大腦產生觀念，觀念引導行為，行為改變大腦」，任何一個孩子都需要多一些正面的經驗，他的未來相對就美好一些。

爸媽老是這樣說？
常見負面語句舉例
涂妙如主任表示，現在家庭因為子女生得少，過去那種打罵教養的方式漸漸比較少了，但是因為家長對孩子的期待很高，所以較常出現不自覺的嘮叨唸個不停或是常說威脅性的句子希望孩子能做到家長的要求，最常聽見的一句話是「你再不怎麼樣我就要怎麼樣」，這種帶有威脅性、條件式的句子其實並無法讓孩子確實完成家長想要孩子做的事，反而容易引起親子間的衝突。其次就是「你怎麼這麼大了還不會…」，這句指責意味濃厚的語句會讓孩子變得畏畏縮縮，經常被唸這個不會、那個做不好，久了孩子當然會認為自己什麼事都做不好，當家長叫孩子做事時孩子會害怕被責罵而不敢做甚至不想做；涂妙如主任認為，現在的父母都太急躁了，沒耐性等待孩子慢慢學、慢慢做，也不給孩子錯誤的學習時間，像是自己吃飯這件事，家長可能需要容忍孩子弄髒桌椅與自己的衣服一陣子，才能慢慢學會自己吃飯且吃得乾乾淨淨的，如果一開始就怕孩子弄髒衣服，乾脆餵孩子吃飯算了，這樣怎麼能期待孩子年齡到了就會自己吃飯吃得很好呢？

比較心態最傷自尊
再者，家長也常喜歡將自己的孩子與他人比較，會說「誰比你做得好」，這句話對孩子自尊心的殺傷力很強，會覺得老是比不上某某人，自信心也會跟著低落，其實每個孩子的特質都不同，各種能力的發展時程也都不同，家長應該減少拿孩子與其他人做比較，倒是可以跟孩子的過去做比較，像是孩子某件事漸漸做得比以前好了，表示孩子在進步，應該適時給予鼓勵與讚美。另外，有些家長在盛怒之下會說出一些惡意的語句，像是「你是從垃圾桶撿回來的」、「你這個笨蛋」、「你給我出去不要再回來」等，對年紀比較小的孩子來說，這些語句會令他們產生困惑，他們不知道這些話的真實性，也會因此認為自己是不可愛不被喜愛的，因此造成自我概念不佳，經常用負向的方式思考自己的一切事情。

孩子複製你的情緒、語法
孩子會模仿家長處理情緒的方法，當家長經常使用負向語句對待孩子，孩子會學習家長的語氣、語句、身體動作以及情緒表達方法，日後孩子在面對家長以及在與同儕相處時會不經意就流露出與父母相同粗暴的語言或肢體動作，不但會增加親子衝突，也會影響孩子日後的情緒控制能力和人際關係。

換個方式說出口
這樣說變得有力量
當我們了解負向語句可怕的烙印後，就要學學怎麼說出有力量的正向語句，當個肯定句爸媽。先舉一個例子，有個小男孩成績優異卻不擅長運動，某日上體育課時卻因同學們一句「好強的腳力」，從此成為熱愛運動的足球少年。亞洲知名教育心理學家多湖輝在《讚美力量大》書中指出，在斥責中長大的孩子，總是畏畏縮縮的在意旁人的眼光，相對的，在讚美中成長的孩子，會相信自己的力量，帶著自信走出屬於自己的路。現在就讓我們一起進入肯定句教養的世界：

1、具體的讚美
SONY創辦人井深大少年時沉迷於組合玩具，其母親從未禁止或是斥責他的行為，母親的包容與讚美再加上自己組裝完成時的喜悅，是促使他走上製造電器這條路的原動力，由這個例子可知肯定句對孩子是有正向影響的，但是抽象籠統的句子較難讓孩子產生共鳴，孩子需要具體清楚的肯定句。例如許多家長常掛在嘴邊的「你很棒！」是一句抽象的句子，每次都說這一句孩子是無法具體感受到家長的稱讚，若要讓孩子能打從心理接受，像是「你這次有認真完成」、「你的圖畫用了比上次更豐富的色彩」等，依據家長對孩子長期的觀察與了解，知道孩子的進步點在哪裡明確的指明稱讚，孩子才能從中得到鼓勵的力量。涂妙如主任舉自己的兒子為例，兒子以往寫作文要寫到老師規定的300字都覺得很痛苦，有一次竟被老師推薦去參加作文比賽，那時涂妙如主任立即告訴兒子，這次的作文跟他自己以前的相比進步很多，讓媽媽刮目相看！兒子聽了很受用，願意更進一步再加強作文。

2、體貼的語句
當孩子主動出現好的行為時，家長適時給予體貼的話語，親子互動會愈來愈愉快，像是孩子主動倒杯水給你喝，家長可以說「你真是個體貼的孩子」，孩子幫你搥背，這時來一句「你搥背搥得很好，媽咪很舒服」，孩子主動整理房間，雖然尚未整理得很好，但要鼓勵孩子主動做事的心，這時可說「房間整理過乾淨多了也舒服多了」，受到稱讚的孩子會很開心，日後就會更自動自發自己整理房間。一般亞洲的父母都比較不擅長立即給予孩子讚美，甚至有的家長會認為孩子幫忙做事是理所當然的，不需要特別讚賞，但孩子是需要適時被鼓勵的，父母會發現，當你針對孩子的好行為說出讚美，孩子的好行為就會繼續不斷地出現。

3、愛的語言
《愛的語言—非暴力溝通》一書作者馬歇爾．盧森堡博士曾提到，「是什麼，讓有些人即使在充滿敵意的環境中，也能心存愛意？」他發現了一種愛的語言，依此來談話和傾聽，能使人們心意相通、和諧共處。涂妙如主任指出，父母不是只有在管教孩子時才去思考要用肯定句的方式來溝通，而是在每一天日常生活中就要時常用愛的語言來增加親子間的情感存款，像是「你是我最愛的寶貝」、「我好愛你」等等，也可以一邊和孩子看著孩子嬰兒時期的照片，一邊訴說爸爸媽媽是如何照顧他，帶他去哪裡玩，讓孩子感受到父母無條件的愛，覺得自己是受到喜愛的，這種童年時期愛的感受會深烙在孩子腦中，也許有時候家長因自己情緒因素不經意說出負向的語言，有這些長久累積的情感存款做後盾，可以減少孩子的心靈受到嚴重損傷。

生氣時該怎麼說
生氣中的家長比較容易情緒失控也比較容易出現負向語言，涂妙如主任建議家長當孩子惹你生氣時，不要馬上飆出責罵或惡意的話語，先讓自己喝杯水、深呼吸幾次或換個空間休息一下，等情緒過了再跟孩子說：「你剛才什麼舉動讓媽咪很擔心」或「媽咪剛剛不開心是因為…」，嚴肅清楚的指出哪些行為舉止是不妥的，讓孩子清楚知道哪裡做不對了，不只指出錯誤還要說明好的做法讓孩子明瞭。如果生氣的是孩子，家長也不要因此就責罵小孩，可以說：「我知道你很生氣，等一下再說」、「要不要先暫停一下」，等孩子情緒緩和了再問「剛剛為什麼生氣？」、「你是生氣、害怕還是難過呢？」

NG！爸媽別再說…
˙「不聽我的話，我就不愛你」
˙「你再不…我就要…」
˙「你怎麼這麼大了還不會…」
˙「×××比你做得好」
˙「你這個笨蛋」
˙「你給我出去不要再回來」

OK！爸媽請多說…
˙「你這次有認真完成」
˙「你的畫用了比上次更豐富的色彩」
˙「你自己把房間整理好了，你真棒！」
˙「你真是個體貼的孩子」
˙「你是我最愛的寶貝」
˙「我好愛你」

洪蘭教授曾說過，情緒是個強烈的記憶提取線索，童年的不幸經驗會深烙在孩子腦中，時間過去後，這個烙印上面蓋滿了灰塵，乍看之下，好像不存在了，但是把灰塵一吹掉，烙痕立刻出現。家長們不要忽略了負向語言的殺傷力，多說愛的語言增加親子間的情感存款，讓孩子帶著愛的記憶迎向未來的人生吧！

涂妙如
現職：輔仁大學兒童與家庭學系副教授、輔幼中心主任
學歷：國立台灣師範大學人類發展與家庭學系研究所博士
經歷：弘光科技大學幼保系系主任、師資培育中心主任

小心！別當螃蟹族

一位學員告訴我，在參加了兩天一夜的課程後，當下受到了不少激勵和啟發，也讓過去個性強勢自主的她，下定決定要調整平日的溝通模式，改善平常和老公的關係。於是當天課程結束，一看到老公來接她的身影，她馬上堆疊出一臉嬌燦的笑容，略帶撒嬌地說：「老公！謝謝你特地來接我，看到你這麼辛苦，真的讓我好感動喔！你真的好體貼喔！」說完她興奮的抬起臉，觀察她老公的反應。只見她老公愣了三十秒，緩緩的說：「妳…妳是不是要買什麼東西？老實說吧！」

    這樣的反應當下讓她有些洩氣，不過想起課程所教的技巧，還是強打起精神，溫言軟語繼續的撒嬌：「老公，你別誤會嘛！你也知道我參加了一個很棒的課程，有很多感觸，覺得我以前太強勢了，是我不對，以後我會改的！」說完後沒想到，她老公卻聳了聳肩，從鼻孔裡「哼哼」的噴出兩道氣，冷笑兩聲：「嗯哼？我等著看妳能改多久，嘿嘿！」事後該位學員向我轉述此事時，話語裡有掩不住的灰心和沮喪：「被狠狠酸了一頓，真不想改了！」「噢！」我心想，「原來她有螃蟹老公！」

    著名的「螃蟹理論」指出：只要在竹簍裡擺上一群螃蟹，那麼竹簍不用加蓋，也不必擔心螃蟹會逃走。因為只要有一隻螃蟹想往上爬，其他隻螃蟹就會紛紛攀附在牠身上，而向上爬的螃蟹也會承受不住重量而掉下來，最後的結果是，「沒有任何一隻螃蟹能逃出竹簍」。正如同該位學員，好不容易提起勇氣，下定改變的決心，卻因為「螃蟹老公」用冷言冷語「奮力一夾」，頓時讓她動力全失，而原本可能改善的婚姻關係，也因此而打回原形，實在很可惜。

        不只是兩性或婚姻關係，「螃蟹族」其實隨處可見。在企業授課時，為了提升學習氛圍和成效，我往往會將學員拆成各小組，安排多次的學員互動和分享。有些組別的討論氣氛熱烈，彼此互相學習成長；然而，偶爾我也注意到，某些組裡會有少數特立獨行的人，也許平日疏於待人處事的應對，因此在討論時往往受到學員的冷落。某次我請學員們輪流對每位組員做「讚美的練習」，輪到某位明顯受到大家冷落的學員要接受大家的稱讚時，其中一位組員對他說：「我覺得…你是一個很特別的人，十分與眾不同，你真的很棒！」似乎很意外會聽到這樣的話，那位被稱讚的學員眼神散出光芒，露出十分感動的神情，「哇，這是個好兆頭！」我興奮的想，無論是誰，都是喜歡被肯定、被認同的，或許，收到這樣的讚賞，會成為改變他行為模式的契機。

然而，下一刻，組裡的其他四隻「螃蟹」，紛紛七嘴八舌的說：「哇！好假、好噁心！」「太誇張了吧！」「天啊，你怎麼說得出這種話！？」在一陣嘈雜聲中，被稱讚的學員臉色黯淡下來，眼中的光彩瞬間消失，而那四隻「螃蟹」自然不曾發現，他們的言語，正悄悄的扼殺一個人改變的動力、影響一個人的生命。

        無論是職場、婚姻、人際中，都藏著太多的螃蟹員工、螃蟹老公(太太)、螃蟹友人。當一個人願意省思、決心改變時，此時他最渴望的，是我們用言語和行為給他的鼓勵和支持。改變的過程困難且漫長，而我們能做的，就是用放大鏡去觀看對方每一次細微的進步，當對方最好的精神啦啦隊，而非用冷淡或嘲諷的態度，澆熄對方的動力。

    願我們都能時時提醒自己，別當絆住別人的螃蟹。妳身邊有「螃蟹族」的人嗎？要小心避開，避免負面的能量損害我們健康的身心靈。結交良師益友，彼此向上提升，遠離絆住自己的螃蟹，得到的，會是竹簍外的海闊天空。也是我們能送給自己的，最美好的禮物。

口述：陳煥庭   文字整理：吳婉綾

品格養成，從零歲開始

愛＋身教＋時間＝報酬無限大

品格教育的重要關鍵──身教重於言教

每個父母都希望自己的孩子將來能成為一個有良好品格、值得尊敬的人，但是身處道德觀念及社會風氣每況愈下的大環境，加上孩子生得少、父母忙於工作，似乎許多家長和老師都能感受到──現在要教出有好品格的孩子，真的愈來愈難！但，即便如此，「品格教育」真的無法「從小」落實嗎？

很多父母可能會懷疑：「1歲以前的寶寶能和他說道理嗎？品格教育真的可以從零歲開始教起嗎？」台灣愛鄰社區服務協會執行副秘書長羅梅玉表示，品格教育不只是在言語上教導孩子，最重要的是父母要在平日生活中即活出這些品格，因為寶寶的模仿力很強，父母平日的生活榜樣就是孩子最好的學習範本，也因此1歲以前的孩子就能開始透過觀察、模仿，培養所謂的品格。

比方像父母平日講電話的語氣、時常說「請、謝謝、對不起」，夫妻間常常彼此讚美、鼓勵……，這些點點滴滴的生活細節，都成為孩子學習、模仿的活教材。台北教育大學幼兒與家庭教育學系范睿榛教授表示，幼兒在家庭中目睹父母親之間的行為互動，往往會烙印在心中而學習，尤其是負面的肢體行為互動（例如：打架、家暴）更是容易造成影響。父母彼此之間的互動關係，可說是孩子生命中「印象最深刻的一本書」；我們如何對待配偶，孩子就會學著用同樣的方式去對待別人或異性。

除了重視「身教」之外，很重要的一點是──品格教育需要由「愛孩子」的人來執行，因為當孩子感受到愛時，他會效法「那個愛他的人」的榜樣，這種模仿的動力是由孩子親身所感受到的愛來發動，甚至不需要靠獎勵或處罰來督促。因此，不論是父母、師長，在教導或糾正孩子的品格前，務必先省思──自己平日和這個孩子的關係如何？愛的關係愈深，品格教育的成效就會愈大，這是兩者間不容忽視的必然關係。

父母所能給孩子最好的禮物──夫妻間的恩愛關係

父母所能給孩子最好的禮物，不是金錢、不是物質、甚至不是健康，而是父母彼此間的恩愛關係。愛鄰協會羅梅玉副秘書長表示，父母彼此相愛，是寶寶安全感最大的來源；實務上你會發現，父母感情不佳的孩子，比較不易安穩睡過夜，很容易半夜莫名地被驚醒。孩子雖然尚不會用言語表達，但他們絕對可以感受到爸媽是否彼此相愛、爸媽是否愛他們。惟有讓孩子感受到愛，品格教育才可能有效，孩子也才能培養出正向的個性。

要特別提醒的是，餵母奶的媽咪需要格外留意和丈夫的關係。羅梅玉副秘書長表示，因為餵母奶的媽咪很容易花很多時間精力在孩子身上，孩子也會比較黏媽咪、不找爸爸，所以處在這樣狀況下的先生們，很容易感受到強烈的挫折感（因為老婆、孩子都不理他）。因此專家提醒，媽咪們即使因為新生兒搞得手忙腳亂，仍要花點心思關心先生的心情、想法，因為甜蜜恩愛的夫妻關係，才是孩子一生幸福的基石喔！

品格教育的核心觀念──愛人如己

父母希望孩子擁有的品格很多，像是忍耐、自制、尊重、負責任、誠實……等，但愛鄰協會羅梅玉副秘書長表示，其實「品格教育」背後最重要的核心價值觀就是──愛人如己，也就是培養孩子一顆與人相處的同理心。因為，所有美好良善的品格都是由「愛」延伸出來的；一個孩子若能懂得同理別人的感受，他就不會去欺負別人、說謊、不尊重別人……，所以父母在教導孩子時，一定要把握這個重要原則──就是幫助孩子學習去站在別人的立場想，學習去體會別人的感受，進而明白什麼是對或不對的行為。當孩子有顆懂得為別人著想的心時，生命自然就會產生出很多美好的品格。

當然除了言語上的教導之外，最重要的還是父母需要以身作則。范睿榛教授表示，若為人父母者，時常會主動關心自己的父母、家人及朋友時，孩子自然就會學到孝順、不自私、關懷他人、有同理心……等美好品德。反之，若父母言行不一，教孩子是一套、實際生活又是另一套的話，那反而是最嚴重的錯誤示範喔！

掌握了品格教育背後的重要觀念之後，在實務上，父母可以如何在日常生活中幫助孩子，從「零歲」開始培養良好的品格呢？

◎自制：

從寶寶4～6個月大後，開始吃副食品時，就是一個訓練孩子學習自制（self-control）的好時機，例如：讓孩子坐在自己的兒童餐椅上、用自己的餐具吃飯；若吃飯時間不乖乖吃飯，父母就將飯菜收起來，餐與餐之間只餵孩子水果、不給零食，孩子就會學到「要在吃飯時間吃飯，肚子才不會餓」，養成用餐的好習慣。若是父母容讓孩子吃飯時東跑西跑、自己追著孩子餵飯，不僅孩子可能無法攝取到足夠的營養、父母失去耐性發脾氣，孩子也不容易培養自制的個性。

◎分享：

沒有父母希望孩子成為一個自私的人，但是「分享」的品格並非與生俱來，而是需要後天培養的。「玩玩具」就是一個教導孩子學習分享的好機會；不過萬一玩具被別的小朋友弄壞了怎麼辦？雖然品格教育背後的核心觀念是「同理心」，但也同樣尊重自身的想法。因此羅梅玉副秘書長建議，父母可以讓孩子保留某幾樣他最愛的玩具不拿出來分享（讓孩子仍有決定權），但其他的玩具就大方地與其他的小朋友一起同樂，這樣孩子才不會覺得被「強迫」要與人分享。若玩具真的被別人弄壞了，父母亦可趁此機會教導孩子──與人分享的確會有這樣的風險，所以在玩別人的玩具時要小心、不要弄壞；當然父母亦可事後再買一個玩具補償孩子，讓孩子不會因此留下一個不愉快的分享經驗。

◎尊重：

可從教孩子見到人「打招呼」開始。「打招呼」是人與人之間最基本的禮貌，但現代社會似乎愈來愈不重視這項禮節，其實這樣的習慣亦需從小教導。現在的父母當有客人來家裡作客（或去別人家作客）時，時常忽略要教孩子跟對方打招呼，或是當孩子「不願意」喊人時，父母很容易就主動幫孩子找台階下，說孩子個性害羞怕生才會這樣。但羅梅玉副秘書長提醒父母，這樣的做法其實並不恰當，因為會讓孩子覺得「反正爸媽會幫我出面」。比較建議的做法是，當孩子「不願意」打招呼時，父母應該有的表示是向對方道歉，表明自己沒有教好孩子，請對方包涵，然後事後要向孩子說明「打招呼」的意義是因為「看見對方、尊重對方」，不要任由孩子照自己的意思。當然最有效的方式是父母「以身作則」，當孩子看到父母常常會主動跟人打招呼、關心別人時，孩子就有模仿的對象。其他像玩遊戲時守規則不耍賴、在餐廳用餐時不喧嘩吵鬧，也都是幫助孩子學習「尊重」的好機會。

◎獨立：

在擁有父母充足的擁抱、說故事、玩玩具…等愛的陪伴之外，即使孩子還小，建議父母每一天在孩子的清醒時間中，分上午、下午、晚上三時段，視孩子年齡大小各有30分鐘～1小時不等的時間，讓孩子獨自在床上（或玩具室）玩玩具或看書，不需要一直陪在孩子身邊（當然還是要在父母視線所及的地方）；這樣做可以從小培養孩子自得其樂和獨處的能力（學習和「自己」相處），及專注力，孩子也比較不會那麼黏人。其他像放手讓孩子學著自己吃飯（家長不要因為想節省時間或怕弄髒家裡就一直用餵的）、孩子跌倒時父母以正向態度鼓勵孩子自己爬起來……，都是可以幫助孩子學習獨立的方式。

◎樂觀：

想讓孩子擁有正面積極的個性，羅梅玉副秘書長表示很重要的一點是，從小培養孩子有忍受挫折的能力，例如：幫助孩子瞭解每個人都有不完美的地方、學習欣賞別人的優點長處，還有很重要的是──父母要試著發掘孩子與生俱來的天賦、才能，時常讚美孩子的優點。當孩子明白自己的優點及缺點（不完美的地方），瞭解自己的才華、長處時，自然就能在將來的職場上擁有足夠的受挫能力，不會因為一點失敗或不如意就被擊倒。

專家小叮嚀！

1、 培養孩子的品格，勿用「賄賂」或「恐嚇」的方式，以免孩子養成不正確的動機。建議當孩子做對事情時，父母可以按照孩子的喜好和需要，運用以下任一種愛的語言來鼓勵孩子，正面增強孩子的學習動力：肯定的言詞（如：讚美他）、精心的時刻（帶他出去玩）、禮物、服務的行動、身體的接觸（如：擁抱）。

2、當孩子做錯事時，父母不要急著處罰或責罵，建議首要工作是先讓自己的情緒平靜下來（例如：先去喝杯水，或是去廁所一下、離開現場一分鐘）再來處理，才不會在情緒當中不慎傷害到孩子。處理時，需要先瞭解孩子做這件事的動機、日常整體表現、犯錯頻率、犯錯的輕/中/重度…等，再理智的選擇最合理的處置。過重的糾正，會引發孩子心中的苦毒與忿恨；過輕的糾正，則會讓孩子無法學會公平與公正。

3、當孩子在公共場所中情緒不穩、哭鬧時，建議父母將孩子先帶離現場再做處理，切勿在大庭廣眾之下教訓孩子，那樣不僅容易傷害孩子的自尊心，孩子亦不容易學到真正的功課喔！

4、當孩子們之間發生衝突時，建議家長不要急著馬上介入處理，可先在旁邊觀察他們之間的互動，再適時的介入。介入的重點是示範如何「還原整個事件的來龍去脈」，第一個犯錯的孩子要先道歉，隨後錯誤回應的另一個孩子，也要為自己錯誤的部份道歉；以此類推，每個人都須為自己的部份負責，接著家長再帶領孩子們彼此和好，幫助他們化解誤會衝突。

我的孩子需要「體罰」嗎？

現代教育時常為了是否需要「體罰」而爭論不已，但若按西方智慧源頭－聖經的教導，父母不要「吝惜」手中的杖，以免孩子走向歧途。不過「體罰」的前提是──必須極少使用，才會有效，而且執行的人必須是孩子覺得「這個人是愛我的人」才有用，因此學校老師或是與孩子關係比較不親的人，都不宜執行體罰。

一般狀況下，當孩子做錯事時，建議家長還是要先以「口頭」管教，也就是以認真嚴肅的態度跟孩子說明他錯在哪裡、為何不要他這樣做的原因，以及往後他應該如何做。范睿榛教授建議父母除了言語上的管教之外，亦可使用「暫時性剝奪孩子的權利或他所喜愛的事物」來作為處罰方式，例如：不許孩子看卡通，或是電視少看一小時…等。除非是孩子一犯再犯且情節重大，或是故意去做且造成嚴重後果時，才會需要給予適時且得當的體罰。體罰並非用來讓家長宣洩自己的情緒，其主要意義是讓孩子學習到他必須為自己的行為負起責任，並且明白錯在那裏、加強印象，以後不致再犯；但執行時要注意勿讓孩子受傷。

前文提到體罰並非任何人都能使用，因此父母執行體罰的前提是──平日你和孩子的關係是好的、孩子知道你是愛他的，才不會讓孩子表面上順從、但其實內心並不服氣。父母需要知道，過度的體罰（不管是次數或是程度），不僅不會帶來正面效果，反而可能會在孩子心裡累積怨恨，或是讓孩子變得很沒自信、時常感到動輒得咎，甚至將來成為另一個施暴者。

當父母不得已、必須使用體罰方式來管教孩子時，羅梅玉副秘書長建議家長在處罰前，要先確認孩子知道哪裡做錯，以及以後應該怎麼做；處罰完孩子之後不要馬上去哄孩子，而是讓孩子先獨處個幾分鐘，讓他哭一會兒、宣洩一下情緒，最重要的是讓他能冷靜下來、自我反省，達到「印象深刻、以後不致再犯」的目的；幾分鐘之後，父母再去抱抱孩子，告訴孩子爸媽還是愛他的，並且再次確認孩子知道為何受罰，以及往後的正確做法，這樣的體罰才能帶來正面有益的效果，而且不會破壞親子關係。

「時間」，是絕對需要付出的代價

現代社會不少父母因為需要雙薪，而將孩子交給長輩、外傭或其他機構來照顧；但倘若父母希望孩子能從小培養品格的話，羅梅玉副秘書長表示，「品格教育」實在無法假他人之手，因為別人沒有那個「合法地位」（外傭哪敢管教家裡的小少爺、小公主呢？），也沒有那個心力去管（阿公阿媽年紀已大，能讓孩子吃飽、睡飽已經不錯，哪還有力氣再去糾正孩子的錯誤習慣？）。因此，范睿榛教授建議，夫妻間若有一方願意放下工作、全職照顧孩子，另一方真的應該盡量支持並感恩，因為這樣的決定和夫妻間相互支持的榜樣，絕對會使孩子受益無窮。

若父母白天實在無法親自照顧孩子，那麼務必要把握平日晚上及週末時間，好好經營和孩子的關係，才能夠有足夠的前提去教導孩子品格。范睿榛教授提醒家長，週末帶孩子出去玩時，要多和孩子互動、和孩子一起玩，不要在旁邊休息、做個「旁觀者」，那樣就失去了這個時間的意義。此外，建議父母每天三餐中能至少和孩子一起共享其中一餐（不要總是早餐趕著吃、晚上加班不回家吃），和孩子在一起好好吃頓飯、談談心、聊聊今天所發生的事；晚上的睡前時間亦是父母可以和孩子說說話或抱抱他的親密時刻。千萬記得，「時間」是每位父母一定要給孩子的投資，而且這個投資你絕對不會後悔，因為它會成為孩子一生的寶藏。

孩子的品格養成攸關孩子一生的幸福，父母不能把這個責任一味交給學校老師，因為如同前文所述，愛孩子的父母，是最能夠在生活中培養孩子品格的人。羅梅玉副秘書長提醒每位家長，要時常去思想：「什麼是你生命中最重要的事？」孩子有一天會長大，父母千萬不要在埋頭為兒女打拼事業20年後，突然發現孩子早已與你漸行漸遠，甚至走上歧路，那時候才後悔可能為時已晚。事業固然重要，但付出時間陪伴孩子走過最初的十年，相信絕對是每位父母永遠不會後悔的犧牲。

※愛鄰協會於2004年引進國外著名的「教養孩子品德系列課程」，至今已有上千位父母從中獲得極大幫助，內容涵括從新手爸媽，到如何與青春期兒女相處，歡迎家長上網查詢http://www.i-link.org.tw/。

羅梅玉

學歷：美國芝加哥Moody Bible Institute碩士班進修一年、教育部認證家庭教育專業人員

經歷：台灣愛鄰社區服務協會婚姻/親職專任講師、高雄市教育局婚姻/親職品德課程講員

現任：台灣愛鄰社區服務協會執行副秘書長

范睿榛

學歷：美國匹茲堡大學藝術教育特殊研究 博士畢業

現任：國立台北教育大學幼兒與家庭教育學系專任助理教授

餵食的藝術－母乳篇

在Greenhouse有很多好處，最大的好處是有經驗學識豐富的志工老師可以讓我們諮詢育兒知識並解惑，小朋友可以在這個infant community(今天林老師給我的一個新概念)互相學習、觀察、模仿與成長，還有讓新手媽媽們(因為這環境主要是提供給0~3歲的幼兒)交流育兒資訊並交誼(以免咚馬麻沈淪在家裡變成耳不聰、目不明的黃臉婆啦)；忍不住要再次讚揚這個場所帶給我的眾多助益！

話說幼兒生平三件大事，睡、吃、玩；因為睡覺最重要，睡眠期間分泌的成長激素最多，所以對幼兒來說，睡覺比吃飯還重要。咚咚的睡眠沒有太大問題，倒是從一出生到現在，咚咚的吃這件事情一直是我的大事。

在加菲貓醫院生產後，出院前他們還強制要新科媽媽們上一堂"母乳最好以及如何哺乳的課程"，然後經過"重重驗證關卡"(待日後再聊)，才放咚母子倆出院。

醫生們都說剛生產完還沒什麼奶是正常的，在台灣，許多大醫院的作法是小嬰兒出生後，身體一擦乾，就馬上把baby嘟到媽媽乳房前讓他吸吮，說是刺激乳房，告訴媽媽的大腦，該開始分泌乳汁給baby喝囉；但在美國就完全不同，小baby出生後，擦乾身體，放在媽媽身邊看幾分鐘，然後就抱去進行一連串的檢查，據說還有人口資料的建檔，然後就放在baby room讓護士照顧。

當我從產房推回病房後，不斷有不同護士來作各種檢查與照護說明，我跟其中一個護士說我想看baby，也想餵奶，護士說妳想餵奶很好，但今天妳剛生完，應該多休息，明天再開始餵奶。

隔天早上，護士推了嬰兒車來，看了我餵奶的方式，確認沒錯，但我還是感覺不到自己分泌了多少奶。醫院會先問妳要親餵或餵配方奶，決定他們要給baby喝什麼樣的"奶"；因為我要親餵，他們供應Enfamil的奶水，號稱是最接近母乳的液狀奶水，出院時也提供了很多小瓶奶水讓我們帶走。

Baby回到了月子中心的baby room，台灣籍的護士Linda就接手照料咚咚，很幸運可以讓Linda照顧咚咚，這應該是咚咚一出生後最幸運的一件事！套句星爺的話說，Linda真的是佛心來的好保母！他不但把嬰兒照顧的很好，還把媽媽們也照顧的非常好。

剛開始試著要餵母奶，要先跟小baby培養默契，媽媽要喬對姿勢，讓母子倆都能處在舒服的狀態下讓baby吸奶，剛出生的baby嘴嘴還不是很有力氣，奶量如果不夠，他們也吸的很費力，吸幾下就不想吸了，如果baby肚子正餓，馬上哇哇大哭，就看到爸爸、媽媽跟阿嬤三個大人手忙腳亂，搞不定一個小小嬰孩，場面非常混亂。

幸好我的房間在baby room旁邊，咚咚的哭聲又超級響亮，好幾次我們在房裡雞飛狗跳，都是靠Linda聞聲過來解救！

剛生產完會漲奶，乳房硬梆梆的，要擠奶實在很痛，Linda來教我如何按摩乳房並擠奶，並強調因為爸爸比較有手勁，由爸爸出手幫媽媽按摩才有效，因為按摩乳房真的很痛，要自己出手根本下不了那力道，不按摩又怕乳腺阻塞變成乳腺炎。所以每次按摩，我都痛的唉唉叫，然後乳腺通了就趕快擠奶，把擠出的奶送到隔壁baby room的冰箱存放，等著讓Linda餵；但常常是擠了老半天，只有幾十c.c.的量，咚咚連一餐都不夠喝，只好花錢去買貴三三的奶水讓他喝；而咚馬麻為了衝奶量，一天五頓超份量的月子餐外加一大壺養肝茶通通塞到肚子裡，常常是花了快一個小時吃飯，接著就趕快擠奶，用力擠很久，少少的量總是讓人有點失望，有時候把咚咚抱來親餵，也會明顯的覺得他光吃母奶不夠量，那段時間，除了睡覺，就是拼命在吃飯跟擠奶，回想起來倒覺得有點好笑，但現在也很慶幸自己有堅持，熬過來了，更要感謝Linda一直幫忙、指導跟鼓勵！

回台灣前，奶量還是不夠，於是先行回台的咚把拔拖了超沈重的一整箱行李的奶水回台備用，再託他同事幫忙在美國買一大行李箱的奶水跟奶粉回台灣，就怕咚咚萬一斷炊！

一開始，我大多是採用擠出奶汁再用奶瓶餵食的方式，因為Linda教我用手擠，我也始終不太喜歡用吸奶器，所以也常常擠奶擠到手很痠。婆婆或許怕我擠奶累，又怕咚咚吃不飽，三番二次跟我說，別的小孩喝配方奶也養的很好，幹嘛一定要餵母奶？有時候還會質疑母奶夠不夠營養，說真的，餵奶、照顧小孩很累，奶量不足也一直讓我有點挫折感，被質疑讓我難免覺得煩躁。

後來索性不擠了，幾乎全部改親餵，說也神奇，奶量漸漸就足了，且咚咚習慣乳房的口感後，他不喝奶瓶，就這樣，一路餵到了現在的一歲三個月，還在持續中。

前二天還在跟老公討論，餵母奶真的很神奇，咚咚還比較小的時候，他一哭，奶汁就會自動流出來，一吃東西，奶汁也馬上流出來，即使到現在，有時候看到咚咚不舒服，或想念著咚咚時，也會因此漲奶 ! 

所以總結我自己的餵母奶經驗，要有充足的奶汁分泌，最重要的是要"吃東西"，我只要一吃東西就會漲奶；再者，如果能親餵最好，乳房一直受到刺激，就會不斷分泌奶汁，反倒是坊間那些傳說的發奶食品對我沒有明顯效用，媽媽吃營養了，Baby才能跟著接收養份。

有時候跟其他餵了很久母奶的媽媽們聊天，會發現相同的狀況，親餵慣了的baby會依賴母奶，肚子餓想喝、心情不好想喝、睡前要奶睡、睡覺時也要喝...把媽媽的乳房當成安撫的工具 ! 所以，我原想在咚咚一歲時斷奶，但他至今依賴著母奶，雖然白天副食品量增加，相對減少了他吸食母乳的次數，卻沒辦法完全斷掉他對母奶的依戀，有些媽媽用比較激進的方式讓自己吃退奶的藥，baby沒了母奶喝會哭，也讓他哭一段時間，慢慢他就會習慣；但有些專家認為這樣激進的作法不妥，怕是造成幼兒的不安全感；我諮詢過蒙特梭利的這些老師們，她們說蒙特梭利的體系是建議母奶餵到一歲就好，但母奶協會則建議能餵多久就餵多久，我從世界衛生組織得到的資訊則是建議餵滿二年或以上...老師們也不建議激進的斷奶方式，但是要幫小孩子建立良好的副食品進食習慣。

所以我也任由咚咚繼續喝母奶，咚把拔在一旁看著，常常跟我說，妳這母奶看來是很難戒的掉喔...

有些媽媽以過來人的身分跟我說，小孩子自己會斷奶，或是說要等到小孩子大一點，懂事了，就可以幫他斷奶，anyway，慢慢來吧，說真的，我自己非常enjoy餵母奶的感覺，那是一種很親密的被需要的感覺，感覺自己跟小孩之間緊密相繫，從小孩子滿足的神情裡，妳也會知道他明白妳愛他，這樣就夠囉，母奶喝多久，都沒關係囉 !

教養的分寸之間

從開始升格當媽媽到現在，一年三個月，大小姐脾氣被小孩子磨的收斂了大半，隨著咚咚的成長，我也繼續跟著成長，脾氣稜角漸漸圓滑。

因為是新手媽媽，什麼都不懂，找了一堆教養書籍、訂閱育兒電子報、搜尋網路文章、論壇、還到處跟朋友交流諮詢，依舊常常在教養的路途上跌跌撞撞，在摸索中試誤著前進。

咚咚開始吃副食品後，有時候難免餵得零零落落的，有時候實在忍不住生氣，老公多次提醒我，犯不著因為小孩子的不懂事讓自己生氣；咚咚一歲三個月，從什麼都不懂，到現在聽得懂、能表達、也會溝通，一路轉折走來，回頭再望望，也是不容易。

記得咚咚二個月大時，到了傍晚或晚上，沒來由的會大哭，哭一段時間，怎麼也哄不下來，初始還以為這小孩愛哭，幾次後偶然從網路上發現了"腸絞痛"這個嬰兒常見症狀，諮詢了一些護士醫生後，發現只能等待嬰兒的腸胃系統成長健全些，腸絞痛才會自行消失，所以大約有將近一個月的時間，每到傍晚，咚咚一哭，我就只能抱著他一直安撫，用消氣膏在他肚子不停按摩，直到他不適的痛感過去後，我才能鬆口氣，那種無能為力的感覺既無奈又難過 !

三個月大的時候，大概有三個禮拜的時間，咚咚的作息日夜顛倒，睡眠的時候也會索奶喝，那段時間的我，臉色看起來應該很差，每天沒日沒夜的不知道睡在什麼時間，我曾試著調整他的作息都沒顯著成效，直到有一天他的作息突然自行恢復正常，就這樣，也熬過去了。

小嬰兒時期，咚咚一睡覺，我就可以安心的去作我想作的事情或選擇一起睡覺，但小傢伙開始會轉身、會坐起來、會爬爬之後，他睡覺的時間，我的神經反而要繃緊，隨時怕他沒聲響地從床上滾下來，我們的床又特別高，所以在九個多月大的時候，我不過離開房間講個電話不到五分鐘，咚咚醒來，自己爬到床邊，就摔下床；我在隔壁書房聽到"咚"一大聲，衝進房間一看，小傢伙剛肩膀著地摔在嬰兒床邊的地上，他也嚇了一跳，愣了幾秒鐘放聲大哭，我趕緊將孩子抱起來安撫，順便檢查他身上有沒有什麼外傷或筋骨問題，小傢伙哭了一段時間，我從腋下抱他，他會發抖大哭，我以為他摔下床後嚇到了，不喜歡人家這樣抱他，所以我就避開腋下的抱法，過一陣子，咚咚慢慢安靜下來，觀察一陣子，我確認他沒有腦震盪的現象，我才放了心。

隔天，從腋下抱咚咚，他還是會發抖大哭，所以我繼續避開腋下抱他；晚上睡覺時，我突然發現平常睡覺習慣翻來翻去的咚咚，完全靠著左邊睡，右手似乎不太動，也不太敢抬起來，心裡隱約覺得不太對勁，隔天早上老公回到家，我拜託他幫我觀察一下咚咚的右手，老公確認咚咚的右手似乎有受傷，不敢亂動。

一時間，我緊張了，馬上打電話去馬偕小兒科掛號，因為老公要去上班，我只好找了爸媽陪我帶咚咚去醫院。

咚咚除了右手不太敢動以外，精神狀況都不錯，但因為臨時掛號，等診等了很久，老公在上工前也不斷打電話來詢問狀況，那時候只能用心急如焚來形容。好不容易等到看診，醫生初步診斷右肩鎖骨應該是斷掉了，要照X光做進一步的確認。

一瞬間，我的腦壓升高，還沒走出診間，眼淚就簌簌簌地衝出眼眶，很難形容當時有多麼難過，大概只有當過媽的人才能體會吧 ! 但眼淚在流的同時，只能盡量提醒自己要保持冷靜清醒，接下來還有很多事情要處理與面對，於是趕緊跑了放射科、繳費處、領單據，然後帶著年紀小小的咚咚去照X光，照完X光後，又是一段等待診斷的時間，每一分秒的跑動，都像是有把利刃在心上凌遲著。

看了X光片後，醫生說右肩鎖骨的確裂開，但幸好不是錯位，小孩子的新陳代謝能力很好，這樣的情況不需要任何治療，過一段時間後，他會自行癒合恢復，但做媽的不可能輕易放下心，就追著問了很多問題，醫生說如果妳不放心，明早再掛小兒骨科，讓骨科醫生做更專業的判斷；於是我又掛了隔天早上的小兒骨科。

小孩子摔下床，還骨折，作媽的心裡實在萬分內疚自責，想像咚咚小小年紀承受的斷骨之痛，自己心裡更是萬般捨不得的痛。

隔天爸媽又辛苦地陪著我到馬偕等診，醫生看了X光片，檢查了咚咚的手臂後，拍胸脯掛保證說不用擔心，這樣的狀況在他的門診裡司空見慣(一剎那間私心地想，還好不是只有我這個媽媽太疏忽，再轉念想，咚咚就是受傷了，實在沒有理由給自己的疏忽找臺階下)，醫生非常熟練地在我還沒開口詢問前，一連串地把我的疑問都給了解答；他說沒有後遺症、不用追蹤、不用吃藥、不用復健、不用再回診，因為鎖骨並沒有什麼作用，幼兒的新陳代謝能力非常好，大概一個月的期間，鎖骨就會自行癒合康復，只要不從腋下抱他，不讓鎖骨斷裂處走位，完全不會有任何影響。醫生和譪可親，非常nice，因為那時候我們已經預訂了峇里島的出國行程，我有點小心翼翼的問醫生是否可以帶小孩子出國，醫生又拍胸脯說沒問題，但陳小咚的游泳課，我必須從腋下托著他做動作，結果，游泳課就只能暫停。

知道咚咚的傷勢不是太嚴重，心中大石放了一半，但一個多月期間，還是神經拉緊地在照護小傢伙，就怕又有任何閃失。期間還另外去諮詢了一個長庚小兒科的醫生，醫生也給了同樣的答覆，讓我更安心。

雖然醫生說不用回診，受傷一個多月後，我還是掛了小兒骨科回診確認。原本想再照X光確認鎖骨斷裂處是否癒合完全，醫生建議不要再照X光，一來X光放射線對小孩不太好，二來醫生又拍胸脯跟我保證復原狀況非常好，而且現在是"打斷手骨反而勇" !!

這是初為人母的"驚魂記"，差點快停止呼吸的驚魂記 !

我原本計畫在咚咚一歲時斷母奶，於是從十個月開始逐漸增加咚咚的食量到一天三餐，快一歲時，一餐已經可以吃掉大半碗粥。

滿一歲時，咚咚突然開始愛吃不吃，每餐都讓我餵得很生氣，最神奇的是事情發生在有一天我在咚咚面前，跟我婆婆講述我斷奶的計畫後，咚咚對副食品就有點排斥，然後肚子一餓就拼命找著我索奶，不曉得是不是因為他聽到我要斷奶，所以排拒副食品 ? 

總之那段時間，我看了些書，嚐試改變過去把所有食物熬進一碗粥的模式，把每樣食物都分開烹煮，每次餵食時都告訴咚咚他在吃什麼，有一點成效。

咚咚一歲開始，我帶著咚咚去信義路的Greenhouse，遇到理想園的吳老師；吳老師建議我，小孩子不想吃就不要強迫他，以免他對食物產生反感，他會更不願意主動進食；吳老師說要堅持進食的原則，小孩子不想吃就不要餵，但要吃一定要坐在餐椅上吃，也不需要一定要餵食飽足感強的食物，有時候多變化菜色，餵些水果也可以。

吳老師也教我，餵食小孩子時，同時給他一副相同的餐具，讓他學著自行餵食自己，放一些自主性與參與感給他，我回家後照作，果然又多了些成效。

一歲的咚咚的身高體重一度降到3%的百分比，雖然他沒有身體不適的狀況，但這數字實在太難看，我又諮詢吳老師，她說孩子的身高體重不用跟別人比較，要跟自己比較，而且要放長期來觀察，不要強求一、二個月內要有很大的改變或進步，只要逐漸地有成長，那就沒問題。這著實讓我放了個心 !

但在這段期間，我看到一些"後果"時回想，我犯了一些需要花很長時間與精神去彌補與改變的錯誤。

有過幾次，咚咚非常不配合地在吃飯時吵鬧，幾乎沒吃什麼東西就吵著要下餐椅，對我這個用盡心思準備餐點的馬麻來說，挫折感實在有點大，我也不想逼他吃，但我想我應該讓他知道我不喜歡你這樣子，所以我把他抱下餐椅，擺個臉色給他看，一段時間不太理會他，我自以為是的想，這樣咚咚才會知道媽媽不喜歡我這麼不乖乖吃飯，下次會學著安份一點。

自以為是的後果是，咚咚對吃飯這件事產生了極大的不安全感 !

雖然擺臉色這樣的情緒表示方式，我沒做過很多次，但之後每次咚咚不乖乖吃飯，我要把他抱下餐椅時，他會突然開始哭鬧，整個身體撲向我，緊抓住我，一直要我抱，就算我能把他放到地上，他也一定會馬上撲到我腳邊抱住我，一直哭求著要我抱他 ! 抱起咚咚後，他接著下一步就是要賴在我胸前喝母奶。

幾次下來，我也嚇到了，我感受的到咚咚在這個過程中產生極大的不安全感，幾經思索，我確認是因為我先前對他擺臉色，他會害怕因為不吃飯，媽媽就不要他了 !

我試著在咚咚沒有乖乖吃完飯時，和顏悅色的跟他說 “沒關係，你現在不餓，不想吃就算了，下去自己玩玩”，我猜想咚咚自己也知道自己沒有乖乖吃飯，所以緊接著他的不安全感又跟著來了，又重複一樣模式的哭鬧，最後硬是要趴在媽媽胸前喝奶，喝奶一段時間後，他才願意爬下我身去作他自己的事情。

一個月前，我開始上Greenhouse林老師的點心課，當天因為大雨，小朋友來的少，有很多時間跟老師聊天，咚咚坐下來吃飯，林老師一看就指出我先前不當的餵食方式，包括不該讓他坐highchair，因為小孩子不喜歡被束縛，沒有自主性，小孩子也難免會想爬上餐桌，因為他也沒有其他地方可以去 ! 林老師又指出我們不能追著小孩餵食，也不能在吃飯時給他玩具。的確，一歲前，我為了讓咚咚乖乖坐在餐椅上吃飯，我忍不住一直換玩具給他，要讓他的注意力留在餐桌上，直到一歲後，有了吳老師的建議，我才停止給玩具；但雖然我沒有追著小孩餵食，卻阻止不了我婆婆隨處隨地還拿著玩具哄騙咚咚不停吃東西。

林老師建議我們用適高的小桌椅，引導小孩子自行用湯匙叉子進食，她也強調不要逼小孩子吃東西，想吃就吃，不吃就不要餵，吳老師也曾說過，不要怕小孩子會餓肚子，建立良好的進食習慣比吃東西更重要 !

林老師強調不要一直給小孩子吃東西，否則小孩子一直沒有飢餓感，又怎麼會乖乖坐下來好好吃完一頓餐食 ?

我也諮詢了有關咚咚不乖乖吃飯而產生的不安全感問題，林老師還是強調不要兇孩子，不想吃就不要吃，那表示那時候他不餓，硬逼他吃只會有反效果。事實上，反效果的確出現在我跟咚咚之間 !

回家後，我開始改變我的餵食方式，吃飯時，釋放更多自主性讓咚咚自己去學習，也跟老公做好溝通，他完全同意我的做法，也由他出面去說服婆婆不要到處走動餵小孩，不要不停地餵食小孩，婆婆一開始也很反彈，但在老公堅持下，她也只能慢慢接受我們的方式。

幾個禮拜下來，咚咚的進食習慣逐漸改變，我不再在正餐時段中間餵他吃些有的沒有的，就讓他維持到下一餐才進食，果然單次進食量逐漸增加，進食狀況整體大有改善，我也學著放寬心接受咚咚有時候真的不餓，不想吃就不要吃，學著用更多正面的態度去接受咚咚的自主性，讓他自己選擇餐點，選擇他想吃什麼，分享大人的食物給他，讓他有參與感，多變換口味，也讓他知道他在吃些什麼；逐漸地，小傢伙因為吃飯引起的不安全感逐漸消失了 !

我想，因為正面而積極的肯定讓他知道媽媽不會因為他不吃東西而不愛他，讓他知道他有選擇性、有自主能力，只要父母有必要的原則並堅持著，小孩子就能肯定地跟隨著爸媽走好他自己的路。

上點心課時，林老師讚許咚咚的進食習慣變好了，當其他新來的媽媽在一旁稱讚咚咚自己吃得很好時，我也會忍不住跟他們分享咚咚的改變；最重要的是，我看到了、知道了自己在教養上的錯誤，就要懂得適時做調整與改變，小孩子才能跟著改變，也更有自信。所以，父母的自我教養遠比教養小孩更重要，缺乏正確的觀念與方式，懵懂的小孩子又該如何適從 ?

我很高興能接觸到Greenhouse這個體系，有這些志工老師給我很多書本上看不到的實用經驗與建議；每次咚咚趴在我胸前喝奶時，他常會習慣性地用一種搜索à確認à肯定的眼神在我臉上掃描而過，我知道他是在確認我的母愛，確認他跟媽媽之間的緊密聯繫性，確認媽媽會一直陪在他身邊。

一年三個月，一路跌跌撞撞摸索學著帶領著咚咚走過來，我很慶幸當初我選擇離開職場做全職媽媽，慶幸咚咚的每一天都有我，慶幸我能參與他的所有成長歷程。

咚咚最近的成長與發展越來越快，每天都有讓人會心微笑的變化，老公常問我，會不會覺得很有成就感 ? 當然會 ! 咚咚是我付出很多心血與自我成長後的”成果”，看著他的成長茁壯，比我在職場上打拼來的有意義也更有實質的成就感；只是往後教養的路途還很遙遠，就像林老師說的，孩子的每一個階段都有他的成長危機，危機處理的好，就會是成長的轉機；而父母在教養的模式與心態上分寸拿捏實在不容易，只能盡力付出足夠的心思去觀察並引導小孩子，也適度放手讓小孩子培養他的自主性，看到問題就學著去解決，作錯了就趕快去修正，跟著小孩子一起成長，自己也會活得更快樂。

這半年多來，每天忙著咚咚的事情，都只能零零碎碎地在手記本上記錄一些事情，但有些瞬間的感動與成長的經驗如果沒有訴諸文字或影像的紀錄，總有一天會淡忘，咚咚的每一天都是他唯一的一天，被淡忘了實在很可惜… 所以從此後，要再重新開始點點滴滴的紀錄這一切歷程，寫給我自己回想與思考，也跟你們分享 !

聽診器

話說陳咚咚小時候看醫生都沒在怕的，就算打針也是在針頭拔除後就沒唉叫；自從九個多月第一次感冒在大直的成人診所看過病後，每次一進診間，看到醫生就大哭，哭到出診間才會停止。
我跟咚把拔一直在研究為什麼突然有這樣的變化，即使醫生沒穿白袍，咚咚還是會知道他就是醫生，非常抗拒又排斥！
直到有一次咚馬麻在大直同一間診所治療感冒後，我才能體會到咚咚恐懼的來源，在那間診所，不論成人小孩看完診，都會用吸鼻的機器吸鼻涕，再往鼻孔裡噴消炎藥，被吸鼻涕的感覺非常不舒服，噴藥後，整個鼻腔又嗆又難受，成人都受不了，小孩子當然會被嚇到！
後來咚咚感冒都固定在士林某家小兒科看診，醫生很nice；每次看醫生前，咚馬麻都會給咚咚作心理建設，但不論小傢伙心情有多麼高昂，一看到醫生必哭無疑，連護士小姐都認識了這個愛哭的小孩，咚馬麻有口難辯這小子其實平常並不愛哭.....
我們幾番抽絲剝繭後，猜測咚咚應該是透過辨識醫生脖子上的聽診器來確認這就是醫生，所以前些日子找了一組聽診器讓咚咚玩，讓他學著透過聽診器去聽自己的心跳，讓他自己試著把玩聽診器，希望可以透過對未知事物的認知與了解，進而減少他的恐懼。
這幾天咚咚有點兒流鼻涕，於是早上帶了小傢伙找醫生去，很神奇地，進了診間，咚咚沒哭，坐到醫生面前，咚咚看著醫生的聽診器說要拿拿，呵呵，咚咚不怕了！
出了診間去領藥時，護士還很讚賞地說小傢伙今天沒哭耶！
咚馬麻當然很高興解開了咚咚的心結，釋放了他對醫生的恐懼感，但也深刻認知到為人父母真是項複雜的大工程，要懂的知識與資訊千萬種，還要十八般武藝逐一俱全，真的不容易，陳咚咚才一歲三個月大，咚馬麻的心臟越來越強壯，也可想而知往後要兵來將擋、水來土淹的本事得更強大，加油啦，為人父母者一起加油吧！

小精靈咚的新餐桌椅

為了讓小精靈咚培養良好的用餐習慣，所以也要給他適當的用餐環境，​蒙特梭利的作法是給小朋友適高的小桌小椅，讓他可以自己坐上椅子​，吃完飯就自己離開，讓小朋友擁有一定的獨立自主性，而不是用highchair將他束縛在大人的餐桌旁邊；


把拔馬麻找了一些家具賣場後購入了一組小桌小椅，簡單的餐桌椅，組裝還是耗費了咚阿母一番力氣... 只能說作人阿母不容易啊 !


根據報導，有著越鮮豔色彩的家具油漆毒性越高，所以還是回歸純樸，用最簡單的白色囉。

 小桌子邊緣黑嘛嘛的手是桌角防護套。

椅背上的應該是一隻小松鼠(or小貓咪)跟一隻小狗狗吧​!

期待明早小精靈咚的第一頓餐點可以快樂地在這個新餐桌椅上渡過 !

Potty training tips

If you're afraid your child will still be in diapers by the time he or she gets married, you'll take comfort in these suggestions from BabyCenter parents. They've found creative and original ways to make potty training easier — and more fun.

Try a tune
We used the Once Upon a Potty video for our daughter. We sang the tune from the video all the time, especially when she went to the potty. She loved it. — Dianne

Sing their praises
We made up a little song that we sang every time our daughter sat on the potty. She loved it. When she finished, we would sing a different song identifying what she had done and telling her how proud we were of her. We also included several rounds of applause. It wasn't too long before she used the potty every time! — Christie

Read together
Lucy and I went to the bookstore and she picked out five books she really liked. We called these the potty books, and she could read them only when she sat on the potty. — Amy

Use a special potty
My second child caught on in two weeks. Her potty had a square in the bowl, which turned into a star every time fluid hit it. That was her big challenge, to make a star, and it became a game for her. — Angela

We found a wonderful training aid called Tinkletoonz. It plays happy music when hit with number one or number two. We had a lot of difficulty for several months, but this method worked like a dream. It is available at www.tinkletoonz.com. — Marion

Try a timer
My biggest help was to be consistent. We used a timer to help us both remember to go potty. We started with every 20 minutes, and as I could see he was needing to go less, gradually increased the time. Eventually, he would tell me he needed to go before the timer went off, or say he didn't need to when it did. Then we'd set the timer for five or 10 more minutes and try again. — Amy

Set up target practice
We put a flushable item, such as Cheerios or Fruit Loops, in the toilet. (You can also use shaving cream or colored ice cubes.) The game for our son was to aim and shoot. Rewards were based on accuracy and number of downed Cheerios (Fruit Loops added the extra challenge of shooting a particular color). It was fun and challenging, and did wonders for his accuracy! With BMs, we told him the game was to send in the backup troops (no pun intended) to finish the job with torpedoes. I doubt this would work with girls, but Alex took less than a week to be fully day-trained. — Roxann

The colored water trick
We dyed the toilet water with red or blue food coloring; it changes to orange or green and they love knowing that they did this. — Amy

Make them feel proud
With my daughter, I tried to focus on verbal praise: "What a big girl thing to do!" "You must be so proud of yourself." "Do you want to call Grandma to tell her?" "Give me a high five!" — Kirsten

With our son, the best and most motivational reward was calling in the dog to look at what he'd done in the potty! — Sharon

Use treats and surprises
Our daughter wasn't very consistent with toilet training until we introduced the surprise bag. We got a bunch of inexpensive toys and stickers and put them in a colorful gift bag. Every time she used the toilet, we would clap and tell her what a great job she did and let her pick one surprise out of the bag. We kept it up for about a week and a half, and when the surprises ran out she just kept on using the potty. We continued to praise her and she quickly forgot the surprise bag. I can honestly say that toilet training was painless and quick with this method, and I plan to use it again with my next child. — Jamie

I collected a bunch of inexpensive little toys in a dark pillowcase (so it wouldn't be see-through). When it came time to toilet train my 3-year-old son (an idea he was extremely resistant to), I would let him take one item from the pillowcase every time he went poop on the potty. This worked so quickly that within three weeks he was completely trained. Unfortunately, this method is not working with my daughter, who just turned 3. Why not? I don't get it. — Merita

We kept a container of our daughter Morgan's favorite little candy treat on her dresser. If she successfully used the potty, she would receive three of them (we'd let her pick the colors as well). Within a month she was using the potty regularly, with few accidents, and not long after that she was trained. — Lisa

My 28-month-old really loved my nail polish. I found some at the grocery store that would come right off when she washed her hands, so I let my toddler paint her fingernails every time she peed in the potty. I told her that when she pooed she could have some of Mommy's polish, which wouldn't wash off, on one finger. Ten days later, she was completely potty trained. — Lisa

What worked for my daughter, in just one week, was the treasure box/chest idea. I bought inexpensive toys such as puzzles, plastic animals, squirt guns, chalk, and a bug-catching container. When I got home we decorated the plastic container and I explained to her that when she went on the potty she'd get to pick a prize. She was so excited, and after just a week we had 100 percent success. — jamienicole87

Celebrate with stickers
To encourage our son Alexander to use the potty, we put a drawing of a racetrack on the wall (an approach suggested by his preschool). Every time he used the potty he got to place a sticker on the racetrack. When the racetrack was filled with stickers, he got to pick a toy at the store as a reward. — Cheryl

Put your child in charge
When my 18-month-old started going into the bathroom and closing the door, I knew she was about ready to toilet train. I would let her go in and use her potty, dump it into the big toilet, and put it up in the sink for me to rinse out. — Katherine

Make flushing fun
I began potty training my first child at about 20 months and am now in the process of training our second. One easy and excellent incentive is letting them flush the potty if they go. You need to establish a rule that this is the only time they get to flush. This is a simple and easy reward, and develops a needed habit. — Deanna

Sitting solution
We put our son Nick on the big potty backwards. The potty-chair was too hard for him to use (without the little guard, he would pee on the floor, and with it, he had trouble sitting down because his legs were so chubby). My mother came up with the idea of putting him backwards. That way he automatically aimed in the right place, and he had the back of the toilet to hold on to. If he had to go poopy he just scooted his bottom up a little more toward the tank. He thought it was so funny he wanted to do it all the time. It took about a month, and he never had an accident after that. — Melissa

Throw out the diapers
As a preschool teacher and mom, one of the best toilet training tips I can offer is to resist the temptation of using disposable "underwear," such as Pull-Ups, all the time. The children don't get uncomfortable when they are wet, and I've noticed that it severely prolongs potty training. Of course every child is different, but this is definitely a trend I've noticed while working with a gaggle of 20 2 1/2-year-olds! — Jenny

I put painter's plastic down on the carpets, then took off my 16-month-old's diaper. There were a number of accidents, but the cleanups were quick and easy because of the plastic. She soon caught on and was happy not to be in uncomfortable diapers! — Carmen

I had my son pick out underwear with his favorite character, Thomas the Tank Engine, on them. Then I told him not to get Thomas wet. It worked immediately! — Mania

My son was fully toilet trained at 3, except he wouldn't go poo in the toilet. I tried everything, and asked everyone. Finally one day we were shopping and he asked for boxers. I told him that if we got these he would have to use the toilet or it would get all over the place. That seemed to be the magic thing because ever since then he has had no more accidents. — Maile

I let my daughter wear undies every day until naptime, but I put plastic pants over them to prevent messes. In the beginning she wet several times a day and didn't like the feeling. I also gave her a nickel for her piggy every time she sat on the potty. She was trained by 20 months. — Rose

My daughter tortured me for months, using the potty successfully one day, then demanding diapers the next. Finally I told her that the pack of diapers we had just bought was the last, and I wasn't buying any more. We then picked out training pants. When we got down to the last few diapers, I again emphasized that they were the last and when they were gone there wouldn't be any more. We then went to training pants and to Drypers "sleeping undies" at night. She had a few accidents the first week and has been trained ever since! — Margaret

Dress her in dresses
A little trick with girls: I put my girl in dresses for about three weeks while we were training. It was easier for her to get ready for the potty and allowed for quick decisions when she was in the middle of playing. — Lisa

Give up to get results
Our daughter was 2 1/2 when we finally got her trained. We tried everything in the book. She wanted to wear underwear but not go to the potty. Finally we said, "Go ahead and do what you want." Two days later, she started using the potty on her own, with no encouragement from us! — Tasha

Potty training: What doesn't work

Reviewed by Sarah Pearson, M.D., August 2006

To make potty training as smooth a process as possible for you and your toddler, take a moment to learn about not only what works, but what doesn't:

Starting too soon

Starting potty training before your toddler is ready will only make it more difficult and prolong the process. There's no magic time when it's right to begin. Most toddlers have the necessary physical and mental skills between 18 and 24 months, while some aren't ready until they're closer to age 3 or even 4. Keep an eye out for physical, cognitive, and behavioral signs that your toddler is set to give it a try.

It may take up to three months to potty-train your child, and it's important to be patient and supportive throughout. If you've been trying for three months without success, your toddler may not be ready — wait a few weeks and try again.

Starting at the wrong time

It's not a good idea to begin training a week before the new baby is due, when you're changing caregivers, or during any other disruptive time in your child's life. Toddlers are creatures of routine, and any changes to the usual program are likely to cause setbacks.. So wait until things have settled down before you start.

Putting on the pressure

If your toddler has started to show an interest in potty training, that's great. But don't push her to get through it faster than she can handle. If she gets nervous, she could start holding in her stool, which can lead to constipation and other problems.

Let her take her time and get used to this new, multipart process step by step. She'll move from one stage to the next at her own speed. It's fine to try to motivate with gentle reminders and encouragement, but if she balks, don't push it.

Following your mother-in-law's timetable

It will get harder with each week, but no matter how many times you hear your parents, your in-laws, or someone else from an earlier generation tell you that you should hurry up and start training, let it roll off your back.

Potty training methods have changed a lot in the last 40 years, and what was standard practice when you were a child is no longer the norm. These days it's typical to wait for signals your child is ready rather than impose a schedule of your own. And research suggests children can't voluntarily control the muscles for their bladder and rectum until they're at least 18 months old.

So if you hear any more stories about Cousin Jim's son who was trained by his first birthday, smile, nod, and say, "We have a plan. We're not worried about it." For support and advice from other parents, visit our potty training community forum.

Punishing your child

It won't accomplish a thing to get angry or penalize your toddler if she's not interested in training, won't sit on the potty, has an accident, or has any of the other common problemskids have while potty training. Setbacks are natural, and scolding will only make her less interested in training — she'll be afraid any mistakes will upset you. If you can, respond to messes and other challenges calmly — and if you can't, bite your tongue and count to ten, then try again.

Potty training in three days or less

It sounds like a dream or a gimmick, doesn't it? The idea that your child could get comfortable using the potty in a few days – or even one afternoon – may seem unbelievable to parents expecting potty training to be a lengthy and difficult process.

But "quick-training" works for many parents – and it isn't a recent trend. Psychologists Nathan H. Azrin and Richard M. Foxx published the book that started it all, Toilet Training in Less Than a Day, in 1974.

Since then, numerous experts have spun off their own accelerated potty training methods. Here we'll explain one technique -- the "potty training in three days" strategy outlined in Julie Fellom's Diaper Free Toddlers program – and give step-by-step instructions on how to make it work for you.

One thing to keep in mind: Using this or other quick-training methods doesn't mean that your child will be perfectly potty trained in days. Instead, "success" is more likely to mean that your child is using the potty rather than diapers, but he may still have accidents and you'll need to help him with parts of the process.

Helping your child become fully comfortable using the potty independently – and teaching steps such as how to pull his pants down and back up, empty the potty, and wash his hands – probably will take months of follow-up effort. (And some skills, such as pulling pants up and down without help, won't be possible for younger toddlers.)

It's best to think of the three days as the kick-off to an ongoing process. The most important thing to remember is that there's no "correct" way to potty train your child – except for the one that works for you and your family.

About the Diaper Free Toddlers program

Fellom, a San Francisco preschool teacher, started Diaper Free Toddlers in 2006 after potty training more than 100 children. Her primary motivation is to keep disposable diapers out of landfills by helping parents potty train their children earlier. Her method can work for kids as young as 15 months old, and is most effective for those younger than 28 months, Fellom says.

To participate in her program, parents (or a single parent and another supportive adult, such as a grandparent or caregiver) attend a two-hour class in the evening. Then each family has its own three-day potty training weekend at home. Within a week or two after the long weekend, Fellom says, children will be able to reliably go to the potty to pee or poop and have few, if any, accidents.

If you can't take Fellom's San Francisco-based class, you can still put her method to work for you. See the "How to potty train in three days" section below.

First: Are you ready for potty training?

Fellom's technique requires commitment, focus, and dedication. It's a "bare-bottomed" method, meaning that for three months after you initiate potty training, your child will need to go naked below the waist when he's at home and wear just loose-fitting pants with nothing underneath when he's out and about or at daycare.

Diapers and training pants are okay for nap time and bedtime, but if you rely on them more often you'll undo your potty training progress, Fellom says.

"If you really want this to work, it only works naked," Fellom says. "There are absolutely no pants in the house for the first three months."

That said, some parents aren't comfortable with this requirement and find ways to work around it. Check out the comments section at the bottom of this article for their tips.

What you'll need for your potty training weekend

You'll need standalone potty chairs to use at home (ideally one for every main area where you spend time, plus any bathrooms), plenty of water or diluted juice to drink, and snacks that encourage peeing (either salty ones that make you thirsty, such as crackers, chips, and cheese puffs, or foods with high water content such as watermelon and Popsicles).

You'll also want to have supplies for cleaning up accidents (such as rags, cleaning solution, and a plastic bucket) and several pairs of loose-fitting pants for your child to wear when you go out of the house.

Optional: It's helpful to have a compact, portable travel potty to take out and about, though you could use a small standalone potty chair instead. 

You may want to put a small towel or absorbent pad over your car seat to protect against accidents. Some parents use products such as the Piddle Pad, but Fellom recommends a small sheepskin like the ones sold at Ikea. Cut the sheepskin in half, then cut it to fit around the car seat straps and buckle, and you'll have a very absorbent, washable, reusable pad.

Finally, if it's cold where you live, you may want to have space heaters on hand, as well as kneesocks or leg warmers – such as BabyLegs – for your child to wear so he'll stay warm while he's bare-bottomed at home.

How to potty train in three days

A month or so before you start:

Check that your child is demonstrating signs that he's ready for potty training. For Fellom, this includes staying dry for two or more hours at a time, asking to use the potty, refusing to be diapered, and pooping at a regular time each day. Fellom prefers to use her method with children younger than 28 months, saying that after this age they may be more resistant to potty training, but she also works with older kids.

"It's pretty much guaranteed to work for children who try it before 28 months," Fellom says. "The closer you get to age 3, the less likely it is to work."

Clear your schedule and plan to spend an entire long weekend – all three days – focused on potty training. Cancel regular weekend activities, and make sure your potty training partner can be around all the time for at least the first two days to help out.

Make up a "potty dance" with your potty training partner. The goal is to celebrate your child's successes and give him an incentive to continue, so the dance can be anything from a modified end-zone chicken dance to a full-on rumba with accompanying song – whatever feels right to you.

Two to five weeks before your potty training weekend, start educating your child about using the potty. When you, your partner, or another family member needs to use the bathroom, take your child along so he can observe how you pull down your pants and underwear, sit on the potty, pee or poop into it, wipe yourself, pull up your pants and underwear, flush the toilet, and wash your hands. You can even have your partner accompany you and your child into the bathroom and do the potty dance for you after you go.

"If the parents do the potty dance for each other, the child understands that it's fun and sort of a 'family event' when a family member uses the potty," Fellom says.

You can also use family pets to demonstrate the concept of going to the potty to your child. Point out when your pet is going to the potty in an appropriate place, such as a litter box or a spot outside.

Buy several potty chairs or arrange to borrow some from friends and relatives. Put a potty in every main room and bathroom in your home.

The week before you start:

Show your child a stack of diapers and explain that starting Saturday (or whenever you schedule your three days to begin), there will be no more need for diapers and that he can be naked and diaper-free. Present this as a fun and exciting development, Fellom advises, as in, "When these are all gone, you don't have to wear diapers anymore! You can be naked!"

"One of the reasons this method works so well -- and why it's called Diaper Free Toddlers -- is that children this age love to be naked. They don't give a hoot about potty training. Their goal is to be naked and diaper-free," Fellom says.

On day one of potty training:

Get up with your child as soon as he wakes up. For the rest of the day, have him go naked below the waist. You and your partner spend the day taking turns watching your child for signs that he needs to pee or poop. When he starts to go, whisk him to the nearest potty.

Throughout the day, have everyone eat salty snacks or foods with high water content and drink a lot of liquids so they have to pee often.

Any time you or your partner needs to use the bathroom, take your child in with you. Demonstrate how you pull down your pants and underwear, sit on the potty, pee or poop into it, wipe yourself, pull up your pants and underwear, flush the toilet, and wash your hands.

Celebrate your child's success any time he gets a "hit" on the potty – meaning that some amount of pee or poop, even a few drops, goes into the potty rather than on the floor. When this happens, do your potty dance. You can also give praise, high-fives, and so on. After ten to 12 hits, Fellom says, kids usually get it and start to use the potty independently.

If your child has an accident, don't say, "It's okay." Instead, say in a mildly disappointed voice, "Poop/pee goes in the potty," and help your child clean it up by placing your hand over his. But don't yell at him or shame him for having accidents: They will happen.

Before nap time and bedtime, tell your child it's time to go potty (never ask your child, because he'll usually say no). Put a diaper on your child before he goes to sleep, unless you feel confident that he'll remain dry.

On day two of potty training:

Follow the instructions for day one. The only difference is that on day two you can all go outside together for one hour in the afternoon. Wait until your child pees in the potty, then head out immediately.

"You want to link using the potty with getting to leave the house," Fellom says. This way you can "train your child to pee on command" before you go out.

When you go out, have your child wear loose pants with nothing underneath – no diapers, training pants, or underwear. Your goal is to make it out and home accident-free, without having to use the potty while you're out, but bring spare clothes in case you're not so lucky.

Fellom advises sticking close to home and not going in the car. Take a walk in your neighborhood (even just around the block) or head to a nearby park. Bring a portable travel potty with you, in case your child says he needs to go while you're out, but that's fairly unlikely at this early stage.

On day three of potty training:

Follow the instructions for day one, but on day three your family can go out for an hour in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. Each time, have your child use the potty just before leaving the house.

Again, when you're out have your child wear loose pants with nothing underneath. Bring your travel potty and a change of clothes.

After your potty training weekend

After the long weekend, expect that your child will usually take himself to the potty when he has to go, or tell you or your partner that he needs to do so. But to seal the deal, some follow-up needs to happen.

For the next three months, have your child go naked below the waist when you're at home. (You can use diapers for naptime and nighttime as needed.) When out – including at daycare – have your child wear loose pants with nothing underneath.

Fellom believes that training pants and underpants feel like diapers to a child, and that using them before three months have passed encourages your child to start peeing in them again. After three months with no accidents, your child can start wearing underpants and no longer needs to go bare-bottomed at home.

When you're out and about, keep your portable travel potty in the car and be aware of public bathrooms nearby. You can use a potty training seat on public toilets if you like (the kind that fits over the toilet seat and helps kids feel more secure on adult-size toilets), but it's not necessary. Instead, just help steady your child on the toilet and wash your hands and your child's afterward.

What if your potty training weekend doesn't do the trick?

If your child doesn't have the hang of using the potty after your potty training weekend, Fellom recommends waiting six to eight weeks and trying again.

Says Fellom: "If your child is having less than a 75 percent success rate or worse, or doesn't seem to notice the pee running down her leg, stop and try again later."

Pros and cons of potty training in three days

The upside

Fellom's potty training weekend can be a helpful and easy-to-follow way to jump-start your potty training process. If you’ve dreaded potty training, worried about how to start, or wondered how to teach your child to actually use the potty rather than just sit on it, Fellom's approach may be a godsend.

Even with follow-up and setbacks, the method works quickly compared with other approaches. This has many benefits: You'll save yourself time and frustration, your child will be proud of his accomplishment and independence, and you'll save money and help the planet by eliminating diapers earlier.

Fellom's approach doesn't use treats or other rewards (other than an enthusiastic potty dance), so it can help you avoid having to bribe your child into using the potty.

This method accentuates the positive and provides opportunities for celebration right from the start – you dance exuberantly even when just a little poop or pee makes it into the potty. This helps make potty training fun and exciting for your child, and may win over a child who has resisted using the potty or never shown interest.

The downside

Being mostly housebound for three days while you watch your child's every move and whisk him to the potty is draining. (It gets easier, however, once your child learns to take himself to the potty, which can happen after the first day or so of training).

It may be hard for two working parents to both get the day off to devote to potty training and, if it doesn't work the first time around, to take another day off six to eight weeks later.

Depending on your childcare situation, it may be hard to complete the follow-up process. You may have to negotiate with your childcare provider to keep your child out of diapers, underwear, and training pants while he's in their care. 

The requirement that you keep your child bare-bottomed while at home may be inconvenient or downright difficult – particularly if you live in a cold climate and are trying Fellom's method in the wintertime. To avoid skyrocketing heating bills or a chilly child, you may want to wait for warm weather before having your potty training weekend.

Tips for potty training success

To make Fellom's method work for you, parents who've used it advise:

"Have a no-returns attitude. You have to say this is totally it and be fully committed that weekend." – Antje

"Don't spend so much time dreading it. It went so much easier than we ever thought it would. If I'd known how easy it was I'd have investigated it sooner. [Using Fellom's approach] totally took away our fear about potty training." – Teresa

"Pick a part of your house that has wood, tile, or linoleum floors that are easy to clean. Set up a bunch of your child's toys and activities and get comfortable. We spent almost the whole weekend in our kitchen and it worked really well – we could clean up accidents easily and keep the room warm with a space heater. We also made cookies!" – Marcella

"Make it a party atmosphere ... something exciting [for your children]." – Antje

"Think, 'I'd rather suffer through three exhausting days than suffer for months.'" – Jeanine

Other potty training approaches

If you're interested in quick-training, here are some alterations to Fellom's method that might make the process work better for you:

• Instead of a potty dance, use other rewards, such as stickers, treats, or the promise of big-kid underwear.
• Instead of taking your child into the bathroom with you, use a wet-on-command doll to demonstrate the process of peeing on the potty. Toilet Training in Less Than a Dayexplains how to do it.
• To get help, check out websites and books from experts like Narmin Parpia and Teri Crane. If you're in the Chicago area, you can consider Wendy Sweeney's Booty Campprogram.

If you decide against the quick-training approach, there are plenty of other options for potty training. If you'd like to start earlier, when your child is still a baby, there's infant potty training and pediatrician Jill M. Lekovic's Diaper-Free Before 3 program, based on the 2006 book of the same name.

There are also plenty of ways to train toddlers and older kids more gradually. Check out our information on potty training your toddler and potty training your preschooler for signs of readiness, do's and don'ts, ways to start, handling accidents, potty training boys and girls, and more.